How To Prepare For S***

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With the exception of a few years of living out my wanderlust dreams, I’ve spent my whole life living in “Seattle” (And by “Seattle”, I mean within a 100-mile radius of the city for which everyone else in the world defines this region of the country). Having lived here for so long, I am quite attune to the quirks and curiosities of this place. Nothing, however, can prepare you for the absolute mayhem that ensues each winter when this one crazy thing happens. It’s such a taboo subject that many Seattleites refer to it as a 4-letter word: s***.

That’s right, SNOW.

Now I don’t know what it’s like when it snows where you come from, but in Seattle it’s quite a spectacle. People lose their minds and all sense of normalcy goes out the window. If you’re new to a Seattle winter, your first Seattle snowstorm might catch you off guard. And since we officially have s*** in the Seattle forecast for most of this upcoming week, I thought I’d help you out and provide a handy little guide.

How To Prepare For A Seattle Snowstorm

  1. Check your phone’s weather app and get very nervous-cited (nervous + excited) when you see snowflakes. Screenshot the snowflakes and post them to Facebook.
  2. Pray to God and Cliff Mass that snow won’t impede (A) Your ability to receive emergency services should the need arise, or (B) the Seahawks playoff game.
  3. Drive as fast as you can (Read: very close to the posted speed limit) to your nearest grocery store. Buy all of the bread and milk. Squeeze all of your loaves and jugs into your Subaru.
  4. Drive over to Target and buy a sled. And a snowball maker. And an igloo snow block mold. And snow chalk. Why didn’t they have these things when we were kids?!
  5. When you get home, realize you don’t have room in your fridge for all of the milk you just bought. Move the milk outside onto your deck because it’s as cold as a freezer out there right now anyway. Hope raccoons and squirrels aren’t interested in your milk.
  6. Pull out the boxes of snow clothes that have been packed away in your garage since last March. Realize that 2 out of your 3 children have outgrown their previous season’s winter wardrobe.
  7. Return to Target and sift through the bikinis and sombreros they put out the day after New Years so you can buy two pairs of snow bibs, two pairs of gloves, and two pairs of boots. They only have snow bibs that are 3 sizes too big, and all of the gender-neutral boots left with the Thanksgiving turkey. Hope your sons are good at layering and that they enjoy pink unicorn footwear.
  8. Check your weather app again. Yep! Still Snowflakes!
  9. Stop at the gas station on the way home so you can fill up your car and gas cans for your generator.
  10. When you get home, check your email. Read all 78 emails from various organizations in your community that want to remind you of their inclement weather policies.
  11. Set up a security camera pointing toward that road with a hill that tends to get extra icy. Hope for some poor saps to try and make it up that hill in their car and, in turn, make you a YouTube millionaire.
  12. Keep pipes from freezing by turning every faucet in your house to a slow drip. If you have kids, however, you may skip this step. Like every light in your house, every faucet in your house is already on.
  13. Double check your weather app. YEP, STILL SNOWFLAKES!!!
  14. Create a winter home emergency kit for the chance you may not be able to leave your house for several days with your children. Your kit should include, at a minimum: wine, chocolates, Ibuprofen, and noise-canceling headphones.
  15. Collect all of your kids’ kinetic sand and slime-making materials. These may come in handy as de-icers tomorrow morning.
  16. Go to bed with visions of snowflakes dancing in your head.
  17. Wake up the next morning and run to the window to see if it snowed! Even though it’s almost 8:00AM, it’s still pitch black outside and you can’t see a darn thing. Flip on some lights and squint really hard. Is that…? Could it be…?! Yes! It is. Rain. Just rain. Lots of rain.

The End.

Here’s to whatever this week holds, Seattle friends!

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