Week 1 vs. Week 95: A COVID Retrospective

May be an image of 3 people, people standing and indoor

“History doesn’t repeat itself, but it often rhymes.” –Mark Twain

Well, friends, here we are. Nearly two years into this COVID business, and I can’t help feeling deja vu every single day. COVID persists, people continue to astound me, and the world still seems a bit confused as to which way is up. I did the math, and this is week 95 (95!) since our schools first closed for “Two weeks to flatten the curve” (Oh my, weren’t we precious in March 2020?!).

And even though COVID seems to have signed the HOA agreement and moved in permanently next door, things are different now. I mean, they’re the same…but differently the same. Let me explain:

COVID Week 1:
There’s this new virus, Coronavirus, that the news keeps telling us has the potential to “significantly disrupt daily life”.
COVID Week 95:
There’s this new never-ending virus, Coronavirus COVID, that the news keeps telling us has the potential will continue to “significantly disrupt daily life” for all of eternity forever and ever, Amen.

COVID Week 1:
Wash your hands! Cough into your elbow! Lysol! Lyslol! Lysol!
COVID Week 95:
Stay home and quarantine for somewhere between 5 days-5 years if you cough, sneeze, have a headache, have aches (I’m nearing 40 years old…Is there ever a time again when I won’t have aches? Asking for a friend.), are tired, have a sore throat, have a runny nose or congestion, have diarrhea, feel nauseous, can’t smell well, can’t taste well, can’t breathe well, have recently traveled, or if you have recently been in contact with anyone with the above symptoms. If you cough or sneeze in public you will be publicly shunned and/or deported to a red state. Bathing in Lysol concentrate is recommended no more than three times per week so we can conserve the Lysol supply chain.

COVID Week 1:
Toilet paper becomes a wisp of a dream as store shelves are emptied and black market trading begins. I research bidets and whether our new septic system can handle TP alternatives such as moss or leaves.
COVID week 95:
Toilet paper remains scarce due to supply chain issues and a nationwide employee shortage. Free time activities include stalking neighborhood social media groups for updates on when Costco gets TP shipments and ordering bulk toilet paper from Amazon.

COVID Week 1:
Masks are reserved for Halloween or sterile surgical environments.
COVID Week 95:
Places I have found masks this week include, but are not limited to: The faces of literally every person I interact with outside of my own home, my purse, the gear shift in my car, my rearview mirror, under all 3 car seats, my driveway, inside my washing machine, under the hot tub lid, hanging from bicycle handlebars in our garage, the bottom of my shoe, the slide on the school playground, inside the toy box, and inside a cereal box.

COVID Week 1:
Getting our annual flu shots required four nurses to restrain one of my children; there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth.
COVID Week 95:
We celebrated getting our COVID vaccines like we’d won the lottery. There were balloons and prizes and songs and dances and I’m pretty sure I even caught streams of confetti falling in that school gymnasium vaccine clinic.

COVID Week 1:
Limit your contact with other people to reduce the spread of this new and yet-to-be-understood virus.
COVID Week 95:
Limit your contact with other people because you haven’t interacted with people IRL for nearly 2 years and it’s actually kind of dreamy staying home in your pajamas with your new BFF HBO Max.

Here’s to 95 weeks down–may our future be full of increasingly pleasant rhymes!

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