10 Rules Of Mommy Laundry

laundry-pile

Back before I had children I remember contemplating what life would be like once I had babies. I imagined how much fun it would be to share in adventures with my offspring and how wonderful it would be to see them learn about the world around them. I knew too, of course, that there would be certain work associated with having children: more cooking, cleaning, and tending. One thing I was not prepared for, however, was the sheer amount of laundry that amasses each day when you add kids to the mix.

I have three children now, which means I do laundry approximately every ten seconds. We actually have a sixth member of our family, and it is the mountainous laundry pile that lives downstairs next to the washing machine. Laundry for days, laundry for weeks, laundry for eternity.

Since I spend such a large chunk of my life devoted to my family’s laundry pile, I have noticed a few patterns. A few rules of mommy laundry, if you will:

  1. If you touch it/smell it/look at it funny, it’s dirty.
    We aren’t risk takers! We don’t want to risk cross-contamination! Never ever ever put something that could potentially be dirty back in your drawer.
  2. Set clothes next to the laundry hamper.
    Science has proved that there are adverse magnetic fields surrounding the laundry hampers of children that make it nearly impossible for soiled clothing to actually make it in to the laundry hamper. Next to the laundry hamper, in the vicinity of the laundry hamper, even hanging on the handle of the laundry hamper is the best we can hope for our clothing.
  3. Only put one sock in the laundry hamper.
    Goodness only knows what would happen if two matching socks actually made it into the same batch of laundry. Would there be sibling rivalry mid-cycle? Would civil war break out in the dryer? We dare not find out.
  4. Leave your underwear inside your pants.
    Who are these crazy people who take the unnecessary extra step to separate underwear from the inside of their pants? When I go to put my pants back on, won’t I need to wear underwear, too? Let’s streamline efficiency here, folks, and just leave the undies inside the pants.
  5. Wear white in the mud.
    Let’s go puddle hopping! Or play soccer! Or roll down a hill! You know what is the perfect color to wear for these outdoor pursuits? White. Always white. That way you can see the efforts you made at enjoying your mud-laden experience. Clothing is merely a canvas for your creation.
  6. Leave crayons in your pockets.
    You never know when you might need a crayon, so it’s best to err on the side of caution and always leave one or two of them in your pockets. That way when your pants go through the dryer the crayons can melt and leave beautiful multi-colored wax on everything (including the dryer). Jackson Pollock would be proud.
  7. Poop in your pants.
    It’s just funny and it makes mom laugh.
  8. Eat spaghetti while wearing your “nice clothes”.
    Mom doesn’t buy us too many nice clothes, so when we get to wear them it’s a special occasion. Special occasions call for special food, like our favorite food: spaghetti. And do you know what’s even better than eating spaghetti? WEARING spaghetti! Those nice linen shirts and frilly dresses look great with a little added décor.
  9. Have diaper blow-outs when you’re wearing tight-fitting clothing.
    What fun is a diaper blow out if Mom or Dad can actually change you easily? Wait until you’re wearing a tight romper or something with loads of tiny buttons. It’s super fun getting out of these outfits once they’re smothered in poo. Mom will be so excited that she’ll do a whole separate load of laundry just for you and your little surprise!
  10. Find the non-washable paint, and use that.
    Yes, I know they have shelves and shelves full of washable paint at preschool, but why use that junk when you can get your hands on the good stuff? Non-washable acrylics are far superior. When you’re using this non-washable paint, also be sure to not roll up your sleeves, and certainly do not take any precautions not to spill on your outfit.

May your days be ever full of love…and laundry.

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Kid Food and Adult Beverage Pairings

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Every mom I know inevitably ends up on The Mom Diet at some point in her motherhood career. You know, the diet that consists of eating your kids’ leftovers while standing at the kitchen sink. We’ve all been there, and there’s no shame in it. Just as going into public with spit-up and/or puke and/or poop on your clothing is a rite of passage for mothers, so too is The Mom Diet.

Let’s just call it like it is, and embrace this manic-depressing form of eating. I think we could make The Mom Diet a lot more fun if we just added the correct beverages as a compliment to the dining experience. Fine cheeses have wine pairings, and I don’t see why stale chicken nuggets shouldn’t garner the same respect. Here are a few of my suggested kid food and adult beverage pairings:

Cold Mac ‘N Cheese
This is your basic cheese and wine pairing. A crisp white wine like Pinot Grigio or Sauvignon Blanc will compliment the mild, tangy flavors of the chilled Mac ‘N Cheese. This pairing is best enjoyed with Mac ‘N Cheese straight out of the pan that is still sitting on your stove, and wine served in your toddler’s sippy cup.

Hot Dog Pieces
One of the first rules you’ll master when learning how to pair food with a beverage is that salt loves sweet! The salt in the hot dog will heighten the perception of sweetness in your beverage, so go for an ice wine or, if you’re feeling exotic, a margarita.

PB&J Sandwich Crusts
The residual nutty flavor of the peanut butter and the sweet tang of the jelly pair beautifully with the zing of a fresh bubbly. Try Prosecco or, if you’re looking for something a bit more special, go for Champagne. If your child eats PB&J for breakfast like mine do, you can even mix your Champagne with OJ for the perfect morning Mimosa.

Pulverized Pretzel Bits
What grows together goes together! Since pretzels basically grow in the beer gardens of Germany, a nice hoppy Hefeweizen will pair beautifully. Turn on some polka music and you’ll be transported to another world!

Half-Eaten Fish Sticks
Thanks to the smoky notes and fatty texture of whitefish (fish sticks), the dish can totally stand up against a light red, like an earthy Pinot Noir from Burgundy. Pinot also does an excellent job of masking underlying flavors of freezer burn or actual burning from your oven.

Fruit Snacks Found Between The Couch Cushions
The bright, concentrated flavors of fruit snacks are the perfect match for the bold flavors of a rich Zinfandel. Just don’t spill red wine on the couch when you’re digging around for more fruit snacks, because perma-stains.

Pizza “Bones” (Pizza Crust)
If you get to the point where you’re actually eating the bum-end of the formerly-most-glorious food group, then you need something stronger than your childrens’ resolve to cover every square inch of your home in Legos and/or Barbie shoes. Try bourbon on the rocks…or straight out of the bottle. Remember, no judgment here.

Bon appétit!