I’m pretty sure I will offend some women with this post, but here’s the fact: some of you moms just have it together a lot better than I do. I admit, “hate” is perhaps too strong of a word choice here…and I really don’t mean hate so much as I mean that I am extremely jealous of you and I want to know how you do it. So, if you fall into one of these categories, send me a private message when you get a chance and fill me in on your secret to success.

Mom #1: The All-Natural Organic Mom
You’re as crunchy as the as the organic flax-seed granola you make from scratch each week. You make your own laundry detergent and crochet your own cloth diapers. You scour farmer’s markets and local farm co-ops for organic kale to cook in new and unusual ways. I admire your efforts, but I just can’t relate. Confession: I have fed my children all 12 foods from the “dirty dozen” list…and they weren’t organic (GASP!). I’m sure my children will probably grow into strange mutants with three eyes or have the inability to become hipsters or some other atrocity. But that’s a risk I’m willing to take.

Mom #2: The Mom With Good Sleepers
My children wake up before 6 AM every. Single. Day. It doesn’t matter what season it is, how much daylight there is, how many naps they have or have not taken, what time I put them to bed. No, they are just early risers. And while they will probably always catch the proverbial worm, I have succumbed to the fact that I will be a sleep-deprived zombie for the next decade or two. So please, please don’t tell me about your kids that sleep until 9:00 every day (unless it’s the weekend, of course, when they’re happy laying in bed until lunch time). If you do, I might just send my kids over to your house for a sleepover. Mwahahaha!

Mom #3: The Put-Together Mom
Your hair is done, your makeup is perfect, and your outfit is both in-season and in-style. This, to me, is as mystical an occurrence as walking out into the garage to find that a giant pumpkin carriage has replaced my car. I don’t get it. Seriously, I can not manage to get through most days with anything more than a ponytail and a pair of yoga pants. Kudos to you, though.

Mom #4: The Uber-Fit Mom
You wake up at 5:00 every morning BY CHOICE just so you can squeeze in a 2-hour workout before the kids are up. You run on your treadmill during nap time. You belong to two gyms and a running club on the weekends. You have biceps and tight glutes and ripped abs and other glorious things that I’m sure I would have if all of my skin would just move back into the right places. I’m getting tired just thinking about it. I think I’ll go take a nap.

Mom #5: The Not-A-Mom
Up until about four years ago I, too, was a not-a-mom. And, like you, I had all the answers. I knew the best-practices for child-rearing, I had read the research, and I was going to do this mom thing right. Then I actually had children. And I learned that real children do not necessarily follow best-practices or fall in line with the research. I am doing a lot of things differently from how I thought I would. And, Not-A-Mom, despite your snarky comments and snide looks I am doing this mom thing right. But don’t worry. Some day you’ll graduate from Not-A-Mom to Mom, and you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about (then we’ll see who’s making the snarky comments!).

Mom #6: The Homeschool Mom
As a former teacher, I feel a bit guilty admitting this fact: I love dropping my son off at preschool. For four sublime hours each week, while he’s off learning about letters and numbers and butterflies, I get a pseudo-break. I am amazed, then, at mothers who homeschool. They choose to educate their offspring while at the same time also caring for younger siblings, managing the house, planning exciting educational outings and researching curriculum. You are the true heroes of the 21st century.

Mom #7: The Mom With Help Down The Road
You have a mother, a grandma, a sister or some other helpful person who loves you and your children–and they live in your neighborhood. If you need someone to watch the kids for a few minutes so you can run out to the grocery store or exercise by yourself or take a shower without an audience, you can just call your Help and they’ll be over in 5 minutes. I don’t have a Help in my neighborhood…or in my city…or in my zip code…or in my state…or in my country…or even on my continent. No, my nearest Help lives a 12-hour plane flight away. And that’s just too far of a commute for the benefit of me running some errands in peace.

Mom #8: The Pinterest Mom
Your home is overflowing with decoupaged wall art and Pottery Barn-inspired furniture. You cook new recipes for your family that include modern-day delicacies like Crockpot three-cheese enchiladas and chocolate-chip cookie brownie cake. Your kids’ teachers get the cutest gifts ever from your children. Your baby had the most amazing first birthday party and, three years later, everyone is still raving about it. Everything is in a mason jar. Atta girl, Pinterest Mom. You can pity my lack of creativity when you come over to my house and sit in my Ikea furniture and eat Kraft Mac ‘n Cheese for dinner with me and the kids. I don’t even own a mason jar. Sorry.

Try as I might, I will never be one of these moms. I admire you, I loathe you, I am amazed by you…and I am glad we are all on this motherhood journey together. Don’t forget to send me your pointers–I’ll be the one in the yoga pants, wandering the grocery store at 7 AM with two screaming children.