So, I grew up in a family of all girls (my dad is a saint). My childhood was all pink and ballet-y and sweet. Nothing could have prepared me, then, for my current situation. The tables have turned, and now I find myself the mother of boys (thank goodness at least the dog is on my team).
Before my sons were born, I was either naive or ignorant or blind. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. I now stand corrected. You see, little boys are not just a variance on little girls–they are a totally different creature. My boys do things every day that literally stop me in my tracks and say, “Huh….?”.
To illustrate my point, here is a sampling of 20 things little boys do:
1. Think they can fly–It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s…DAVID, GET OFF THAT ROOF RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!!!
2. Throw All The Stuff–balls, rocks, toys, their shoes, feces (sorry, but if that one got to you, you may want to stop reading this post right now).
3. Despise shoes. And pants.–A home with little boys is basically a tiny nudist colony.
4. Urinate in inappropriate places–Forget “missing the toilet” (which they will do without fail every time they pee, by the way). Just wait until you see the very unusual and, sometimes, shocking, public places they choose to drop their pants. I have photographic evidence of the horrendous places my son has chosen to relieve himself. I would share the photos here, but I’m saving them for blackmail when he’s a teenager.
5. Make it their personal mission to destroy All The Stuff–Have something you like? Yeah? Really? Well, if you have a little boy, you might as well kiss it goodbye right now. It will just make the future destruction more bearable.
6. Shred to pieces every pair of pants they own–Since they’re never actually wearing pants, I don’t know how it’s possible for them to wear holes and tears into every pair they own.
7. Lick All The Stuff–I mostly just try to ignore it because my stomach just can’t handle the truth.
8. Be fascinated with their own male anatomy–It starts young, folks.
9. Relate to their favorite super hero on a deeply personal level–They will literally think they are Superman/Batman/Spider Man/The Hulk/Wolverine/Captain America/Luke Skywalker/Buzz Lightyear.
10. Turn All The Stuff into guns/lasers/shooters/swords/canons/projectile-spewing objects–This is not taught, it is ingrained in their psyche.
11. Produce a disproportionate level of noise for the size of their body–My ears hurt too much to comment on this one.
12. Eat All The Stuff–SERIOUSLY.
13. Sleep in unusual places–Beds are for wusses.
14. Put All The Stuff in their pockets–I could start a small (but growing) art gallery with the collection I have removed from pockets on laundry day. Perhaps I’ll donate our gallery to the Guggenheim some day.
15. Fall down randomly like they’re fainting goats or something–Running, running, running, DOWN.
16. Think you are ACTUALLY CUTTING OFF THEIR FINGERS every time you trim their fingernails. Every. Single. Time.
17. Think their own bodily functions are hilarious–Nothing in God’s green earth can produce as much joy in a boy’s heart as the sound of a burp or a fart.
18. Spend hours enthralled by nothing but a pile of sticks and rocks–Oooh! Can we break them? Can we throw them? Can we eat them? Can we stuff them all in our pockets?
19. Injure themselves incessantly–see #1 and #15. And make sure you know the fastest route to the E.R. from your home, your son’s school, and your son’s favorite parks.
20. Think their mommy is a princess/The Queen/their wife–You can now disregard #’s 1-19, because this is the truth. If you are the mother of a little boy he will absolutely adore you. He will think you are royalty. He will guard and protect you as if his own little life depended on it. His cuddles will melt your heart anew every single day, and you will know that you are the luckiest person in the world. The luckiest, happiest, most exhausted person in the world–because you are the mother of a little boy.