Next week I’ll be entering my third trimester (for the third time), which means I’m just reaching that awkward point of pregnancy where I start to feel very…PREGNANT. I am reminded daily of how very pregnant I am becoming as my body goes through these beautiful, often-problematic changes. Seeing as this is my third go at the whole awkward/uncomfortable/ridiculous stage of pregnancy, I’ve learned a few tricks for keeping my head up and surviving to the end. Pay attention now, because these are actual words of wisdom.

I now present: 10 Things A Pregnant Lady Should Never Do

1. Step on a scale
   Your prenatal doctor will compel you to do this painful task at each visit, but just do yourself a favor and don’t make eye contact with the numbers on that dreadful machine. And, by all means, don’t you dare step on a scale in your free time. I have made this mistake before and, trust me, your scale will be broken. There’s simply no other explanation for the gargantuan numbers it will spew at you.
2. Look at your naked self in a mirror
   Perhaps this is related to #1, but seriously. Don’t. Especially your backside. Just let your husband gush about how glowingly beautiful your preggo little self is, and leave it at that.
3. Cough/sneeze/laugh
   Because you’ll pee your pants. There, I said it.
4. Watch A Baby Story on TLC
   Or Johnson & Johnson baby ads. Or commercial featuring Sarah McLachlan (dang you, homeless animals). If you watch these emotionally-driven, hormone-inducing programs you will find yourself in a sobbing mess quicker than you can waddle to the bathroom for a box of tissues.
5. Go shopping without a plan and a budget
   Because chances are, if you do, you’ll come home with at least a dozen new baby doo-dads that you just couldn’t resist.
6. Shave your legs
   Unless you’re an acrobat or have monkey arms, it’s just not even worth trying.
7. Go out for the night with non-preggos
   Because they’ll want to do all the things you can’t do: drink adult beverages, stay up late, and dance without peeing themselves.
8. Make easily accessible: chocolate/cheeseburgers/Taco Bell tacos/pickles/ice cream/Lucky Charms/(other pregnancy craving)
   Every pregnant lady has that one (or two or three or thirty) thing(s) they just can’t get enough of. Whatever your craving-poison may be, just try to pace yourself. Maybe even make a game of it.  For instance, have your husband hide the chocolate bars and then go on a treasure hunt. I’m sure you’d burn at least 100 calories trying to find them. Exercise + chocolate treat = pregnancy win
9. Try to wear those super-cute, super-expensive shoes you bought pre-pregnancy
   Because they won’t fit. Chances are, your feet have already grown a full size or two and trying to squeeze into those shoes will just make you feel like one of Cinderella’s step sisters. Call it like it is and invest in some nice Birkenstocks and wool socks.
10. Leave your home without knowing the quickest route to the nearest bathroom
    You will need to pee approximately once every 5 minutes, so be diligent in your toilet-locating skills.

Now that you know what NOT to do, here is one thing you CAN do: relish your pregnancy and bask in the glory of your belly–savor the comfort of your stretchy pants and indulge in your free pass with junk food. After all, if pregnancy can’t be glamorous, at least it can be fabulous.