The Very Hungry Pregnant Lady: A Parody

October 2, 2015October 2, 20152 Comments

The other day I was reading to the boys (for the gajillionth time) one of their favorite books: Eric Carle’s The Very Hungry Caterpillar. For those of you who may not be as intimately familiar with the story as I am, it follows a tiny caterpillar from the day he hatches from his little white egg through his journey as he eats different foods every day getting nice and fat for his grand finale: building a cocoon and finally emerging as a beautiful butterfly. It’s a classic story, and one that I find myself relating more and more to now that I have my condition (condition = pregnancy).

I feel for the poor little caterpillar–he’s just hungry all the time and it is his JOB to eat and grow so he might become more beautiful. As such, I’ve decided to adopt the Very Hungry Caterpillar’s mantra: I, too, have dedicated myself to eating and growing so that I might become more beautiful (or produce a more beautiful baby?). You see, I take the whole “eating for two” thing very seriously. So seriously, in fact, that you might mistake my food consumption for that of two competing sumo wrestlers rather than that of an average sized woman and a nearly-1-pound baby. Not to brag, but some might call me a professional double-eater.

As an illustration, here is my own version of The Very Hungry Caterpillar–tweaked a bit to mark my own glorious transformation. I now present:

The Very Hungry Pregnant Lady

In the light of the moon a tiny baby was formed in her mother’s womb.

One Sunday morning the warm sun came up and–pop!–out stuck the mother’s belly as the tiny baby began to grow.

Growing a baby is hard work, so the pregnant lady started to look for some food.

On Monday she ate through one piece of apple pie à la mode. But she was still hungry.

On Tuesday she ate through two brownies, but she was still hungry.

On Wednesday, she ate through three slices of pizza, but she was still hungry.

On Thursday she ate through four graham crackers smothered in Funfetti frosting, but she was still hungry.

On Friday she ate through five pieces of deli meat (microwaved to steaming, first, to remove the possibility of Listeria poisoning), but she was still hungry.

On Saturday she was a good girl and she ate through six tangerines, but she was still hungry.

On Saturday she ate for dinner: one chocolate pudding cup, one heaping scoop of Nutella, one salami, one plate of spaghetti, one bag of popcorn, one buttery croissant, and one bottle of sparkling mineral water.

That night she had a stomachache!

The next day the pregnant lady ate salad. After that she felt much better.

Now she wasn’t hungry any more–and she wasn’t a little lady any more. She was a big, fat pregnant lady. She crawled inside her cocoon-of-a-bed and read celebrity gossip magazines while her devoted husband rubbed her swollen feet. She grew that baby for nine whole months. Then she went to the hospital, got an epidural, and pushed out…

…a beautiful baby!

Now she wasn’t a Very Hungry Pregnant Lady any more. She was a Very Blessed Mommy.

The end.

My #OOTD “Fashion” Blog

January 9, 20152 Comments

These last few weeks have been marvelous. Over Christmas break I got to spend two whole weeks at my parents’ house relaxing and enjoying the holiday festivities. I got to spend two whole weeks eating other peoples’ food that other people cooked and that other people cleaned up after. Two whole weeks of allowing others to do the vacuuming and the toilet scrubbing and the taking-out-the-garbage. It was…extraordinary.

Between not-cooking and not-cleaning I found myself with a rare gift: down time. And, since I was on vacation, I decided to use my new-found downtime in the most productive way I could think of: mindlessly perusing the internet.

I visited all of my favorite time-kill sites–Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest. And as I was clicking through the cat memes and the how-to-be-a-better-parent articles I discovered a new (to me) phenomenon: #ootd. Now, for those of you who might be new to the intricacies of the hashtag, #ootd stands for “outfit of the day”. It’s used by fashion bloggers and budding fashionistas to show the world what cute outfit they are wearing that day. In other words, this is how the fashion world says I should look. If you search online for #ootd you’ll come up with thousands of results like this (titled: “Ring in the year with style”):

Well, wouldn’t you know it! I was thinking of buying that exact same strapless sequined number to wear for preschool drop off! That sparkly clutch would probably hold a credit card AND a diaper! And those shoes! They’d be perfect for Costco runs and trips to the pediatrician! OK, not really.

While my clothing will probably never grace to pages of Glamour Magazine (heck, I don’t think my clothes even know what Glamour Magazine is), I’ve still got style. My style. The style of a busy stay-at-home mom who chooses comfort over fashion. And yet, the #ootd phenomenon has inspired me. I think I will join the ranks of fashion bloggers and give you, dear friends, a highly anticipated glance into my wardrobe. I now present to you: Allison’s #ootd.

Day 1
Since this outfit is representative of 90% of the outfits I wear during a given week, I thought I would present it first. Notice the comfy (read: stretchy) yoga pants and technical t-shirt, perfect for chasing after toddlers and wrestling a preschooler. The necklace is from the last half-marathon I completed, to remind me that before the Christmas slump I used to be active–it’s a medal of inspiration, really. Flip flops because…flip flops. Day 2
Sometimes I change out of my yoga pants so I can interact with other humans who don’t wear yoga pants every day. I put on a dress and some leggings (glorified yoga pants) to wear to my mid-week Bible study. The watch really goes better with my yoga-pants wardrobe, but I still like to know what time it is when I’m wearing a dress. Boots complete the look, wouldn’t you say? Day 3
My other go-to outfit: jeans, a t-shirt, a scarf, and some comfy shoes. I got the scarf at Penny’s (an Irish clothing chain that I really do hope will find its way to America soon!) and the shoes are knock-off Chucks. I think the total cost of this outfit was about the same price as a dinner at Red Robin. Day 4
I know you’re getting jealous of my unique sense of style and incredible eye for fashion, but I have just a few more gems for you. Outfit deets: tank–Tesco (an Irish grocery store. Yes, the grocery stores there sell clothes.); cardi–Target (basically an American grocery store that sells clothes); shoes–Toms (because I like giving shoes to people in need). This outfit is awesome because it’s layered (a practice that is apparently quite en vogue). If I get too warm, I can do the oh-so-fashionable tie-the-sweater-around-my-waist trick.
Day 5
Yes, I wore this. For an entire day. And, yes, it is as comfortable as it looks. The hoodie is circa 2003 from The INN (the college group where I met Jon–he probably fell in love with me because I was wearing this sweatshirt). The yoga pants (yes, I know, more yoga pants) are Lululemon (that’s fashionable, right?). A messy bun and slippers complete the look. Day 6
I didn’t even wear this outfit this week, but I just wanted to show you that I do own clothes that are not yoga pants and jeans. Outfit deets: dress–Old Navy; belt–Debenham’s (Irish Macy’s); necklace–LivingSocial deal (I have no idea what company actually made it, but I love it. Unfortuantely the beads have started to come loose and I keep reattaching them to the necklace haphazardly. I guess the interesting shape just gives it more character); shoes–H&M. Day 7–A Super Boy Bonus Feature!
David saw me modeling my wardrobe and he wanted to show off his duds, too. Here he is in his #ootd: an outfit he put on while he was playing at the neighbors house. Since all of the clothes belong to another child, I’m not sure where you might find these incredible pieces. If you do borrow clothing from the neighbor girl, however, I suggest you borrow a skin-tight midriff-exposing shirt and pants that you wear low enough on your waist to expose a band of blue undies. Suuuuuper cute.I hope I’ve offered you some wardrobe inspiration with my outfit of the day picks. And, when in doubt, just put on yoga pants. Comfort will never lead you wrong!

Allison And The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

October 18, 2013October 18, 20132 Comments

David’s most recent obsession is this book called Alexander And The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. It’s about this poor boy, Alexander, who is just having the worst day ever. I enjoyed reading this book as a child and now my son is obsessed, too–I guess that misery really does love company.

As I’ve been reading this book over and over and OVER to my son, I couldn’t help but put myself in Alexander’s place a time or two. Sure, Alexander, you got gum stuck in your hair and your mom forgot to pack you a dessert in your lunchbox and you fell in a mud puddle–it really is terrible being a kid. But I think I’ve got you beat. You think it’s so hard being a kid, but just try being a mom. Just try it. I dare you. If you did, your day might go something like this:

Allison And The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

By: Allison

Last night I only got 4 hours of sleep last night because Jacob is teething and David had a nightmare about the shadows on his ceiling and just as I was finally starting to drift off to sleep our dog barked at the neighbor’s cat. This morning as I was walking down the stairs to make breakfast I tripped on a rogue Lego and now my foot has a tiny brick-shaped bruise on the bottom of it. I can already tell that it is going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very-bad day.

When I started to make breakfast there was no milk left in the jug. Who drinks all of the milk and puts the empty container back in the fridge? Oh well, I didn’t have time to eat anyway. I had to get both kids dressed, fed, cleaned up, lunches packed and off to school before it was time to drive Daddy to work. I decided that I should get dressed, too, but none of my clothes looked cute this morning. I just put on yoga pants and a dirty t-shirt and called it good. I think I need to live in a place where it’s acceptable to wear grungy clothes and flip flops every day.

I think I’ll move to Hawaii.

After I got everyone else where they needed to be, I had exactly 2 hours before I needed to be back at the preschool to pick David up. I ran (literally, ran. This is the only exercise I got today) to the grocery store to get more milk. Then I ran back home do a few loads of laundry, iron Jon’s work shirts, vacuum the carpets, sweep the floors, feed Jacob a snack, put away the breakfast dishes, clean the bathrooms, take out the garbage and mow the lawn. In the rain. Ugh.

I think I need to move to Hawaii.

When I picked up David from preschool I noticed that he was wearing the “pants of shame”: he’d had a potty accident at school. David was the last pupil dismissed because the teacher wanted to talk to me about The Accident. Apparently it was pretty bad and they had to cut his pants off of him. Great, I actually liked those pants. It’s definitely a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

On our walk home from preschool Jacob was screaming because he was hungry for lunch and David was whining because I wouldn’t let him play Angry Birds on my iPhone and I stepped in a pile of dog poop on the sidewalk and I walked right through a fresh spider web and got the nasty web strands stuck all over my face. It’s been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I knew that it was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day because after lunch I tried to do an art project with the boys but David colored all over the kitchen table and Jacob ate all of the crayons. David put glue in his hair and Jacob smeared paint all over his body like he was some sort of native warrior. After the art fiasco I tried to give them a bath but we didn’t have any hot water so I had to heat kettles of water in the kitchen (downstairs) to fill the bathtub (upstairs) and then when I finally got the tub full and warm enough for their fragile little bodies David decided to pull the drain-stopper and all of the water vanished before I could stop it.

When I move to Hawaii at least the ocean is warm and I can just give my kids a bath at the beach.

During nap time Jacob bit his tongue trying to jump out of his crib and David snuck out of his bedroom and emptied the contents of the bathroom garbage can all over my bed. Neither child slept so now they are both exhausted and cranky. This is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

I got a calendar reminder to file our taxes next week.

Next week, I said, I’m moving to Hawaii.

While I was trying to make dinner David threw a temper tantrum because his orange ball had dirt on it and the dog looked at him funny. Jacob slammed his fingers in a drawer and he wouldn’t stop howling like a wounded wolf pup unless I held him. I burned the chicken and the pasta pot boiled over and I overcooked the broccoli so it got all soggy. I hate soggy broccoli. David spilled a full jug of milk all over the kitchen floor (the same jug of milk, mind you, that I already had to replace this morning) and Jacob threw his entire plate of dinner on top of the dog. I had to microwave my dinner 3 times before I ever got one single bite in. It has been a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.

At bedtime David refused to put on his pajamas, he bit my finger when I was helping him brush his teeth, and it took over an hour to convince him to stay in his bed after lights-out. When we finally got both boys in their bedrooms I went downstairs to try and relax for an hour before my bedtime but there were no good shows to watch on Hulu and the book that I’m reading has somehow disappeared. I couldn’t find my cozy slippers and the dog didn’t want to snuggle with me. I told Jon I’ve had a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

He said some days are like that.

Even in Hawaii.

*Disclaimer* Although all of the events in this story have actually happened to me, they have never all happened simultaneously in one single day. This is God’s grace to mothers! I love my children and I would take all the bad days in the world if it meas that I got to keep loving on my boys each and every day, through the good AND the bad. That being said, I still wouldn’t mind a trip to Hawaii. Without the children.

If You Give A Mom A Mocha: A Parody

March 8, 2013March 8, 2013Leave a comment

One of our favorite activities is going to the library. We go almost every week and come home with bags brimming with new books to read together. On our most recent trip to the library (one that involved an overly-tired, screaming at the top of his lungs baby and a potty-training 2-year old with diarrhea) we got a version of the classic If You Give A Mouse A Cookie by Laura Numeroff. David loved If You Give A Dog A Donut so much that we decided to bring home another called If You Give A Pig A Party. The books all follow a basic pattern–if you give (some animal) a (treat) they’ll ask for a (something to go with the treat). That “something” will remind them of something else, and they go on a silly adventure finding the things they are reminded of.

I thought it would be fun to write my own version of the If You Give A…. books. And, since I’m a mom, I’m going to write about what’s nearest and dearest to a mother’s heart: coffee.

If You Give A Mom A Mocha

If you give a mom a Mocha, she’s going to want a cardboard sleeve for her hot cup.
The cardboard sleeve will remind her that today is recycling day, so she’ll rush home to put the recycling bins out by the curb.
As she’s moving the recycling bins to the curb, she’ll notice an empty diaper box in the bin. She’ll want to go to Costco so she can buy more diapers before the baby runs out.
While she’s at Costco buying diapers, she’ll pass by the food court. The pizza will smell delicious.
She’ll want a slice of ooey-gooey pizza. And, since the kids are already whining for lunch, she’ll decide to stop and get some.
After she eats the pizza, she’ll remember that her “lose the baby weight diet” doesn’t involve noshing on pizza.
She’ll go home and change into her running shoes and load the kids into the jogging stroller for a little post-pizza workout. It will take about an hour to get everyone ready and out the door.
When she gets about a block away from home, her 2-year old will say that he has to go potty.
She’ll run back home to the potty as fast as her legs can carry her. As she’s pulling back into the driveway, her 2-year old will say that he doesn’t have to go potty anymore.
She’ll take him out of the stroller and see why he doesn’t have to go anymore.
She’ll take off his wet pants, socks, and shoes and sit him on the potty anyway.
Then she’ll hose off the stroller and leave it in the driveway until she can come up with a better cleaning solution.
When she gets back inside from hosing off the stroller, she’ll see that the 2-year old has gotten into the pantry. He’s dumped a whole bag of Cheerios onto the floor and the dog and the baby are licking them up.
She’ll get out the vacuum to clean up the Cheerios. The vacuum will remind her of how disgusting the rest of the floors in her house are, so she’ll vacuum the other rooms while she’s at it.
While she’s vacuuming she’ll vacuum up a stray sock.
The sock will remind her that she promised her kids to make sock puppets with them this week.
She’ll get out all of the craft supplies and help the little ones make new toys out of their old socks.
Once they have sock puppets, the kiddos will want to put on a puppet show.
She’ll get out an old cardboard box to make a stage for the puppets to perform on.
When she sees the cardboard box, she’ll be reminded of the cardboard sleeve that they put on coffee cups.
Once she starts thinking about coffee, she’ll want a mocha. And you know what? I think she’ll deserve one!

We Love, Teach, Grow

My journey through motherhood

Tag: parody

The Very Hungry Pregnant Lady: A Parody

My #OOTD “Fashion” Blog

Allison And The Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day