Real-World Strategies For Saving Real Families Real Money

March 6, 20152 Comments

When we followed our dreams–and Jon’s job–to Silicon Valley 7 months ago we knew we would be in for some changes. Some of the changes were welcome, like the consistent sunny-and-70-degree days. Some of the changes, however, would be challenging, like the crowds and the traffic. There is one challenge to living in Silicon Valley, however, that trumps everything else: it is so freaking expensive here.

According to several research indexes, Silicon Valley has become the #1 most expensive place to live in America. And I believe it. We feel the pinch every time we have to pay rent (which is nearly 3 times more expensive than our mortgage in Seattle), or preschool tuition (which costs more than my undergrad tuition in 2001), or the ridiculous water bill (a reflection on the area’s years-long drought).

And don’t even get me started on trying to actually own a piece of this overpriced land. The housing market here is so competitive that potential buyers literally stalk houses waiting for them to go on the market so they can pounce with their million-dollar cash offers before the dozens of other million-dollar cash offers roll in. Or, if they’re really savvy, they’ll buy the house before it’s even for sale (I have several friends who have canvassed potential neighborhoods with flyers touting their merits as human beings and potential homeowners, imploring the current homeowners to sell them their house off-market if they ever decide to move. True story). At any rate, the cost of living here is just plain stupid.

In order to help meet our budget, I’ve come up with some creative ways to save our family money. I’ve always prided myself in being a thrifty spender, and have always enjoyed the thrill of finding a good deal. Now more than ever before, I’m finding creative ways to save and spend wisely. I will now share with you, dear friend, some of my best real-world money-saving strategies:

Take your kids shopping with you
This is a simple strategy that will save you money every time you use it–plus, the more kids you have, the more potential you have to save money! First, put your kids in the shopping cart. Then, try to do your shopping. With all your kids in the cart, there will be no room for anything but bread and milk, so you’ll be sure to save money on the grocery bill. If you can’t convince your children to sit in the cart, just set them loose in the store. It will only take about two minutes before your children have caused enough havoc to make you want to run out of the store screaming so, again, you’ll save money on the groceries you didn’t have the patience to shop for. Kids: best shopping buddies EVER!

Clip coupons
Sure, you can clip coupons and actually use them in a store. However, if you coupon correctly (yes, “coupon” is a verb) then you’ll be spending 10-20 hours a week compiling your coupons, scouting out the best deals, and shopping around town for your savings. But with two little boys keeping me busy at all hours now I find that by the time I have actually clipped and organized all my coupons, there is no time left to actually go shopping. And when you don’t have time to go shopping, you don’t spend money. Problem. Solved.

Go on a family vacation
Now this may seem counter-intuitive, because vacations cost money. Just hear me out, though. Here’s how it works: plan a nice little vacation for your family. Go through the stress of organizing the trip, packing ten million extra kid items, calming crying babies and rambunctious children on an airplane or a long car ride. Try to enjoy yourself when you reach your destination, but find that you can’t actually relax because even when you’re on vacation you’re still a parent. Get through all this, and you will realize that vacations just aren’t worth it. You’ll probably never go on another vacation again (or, at least, until your darling children move out of the nest). Think of it as an upfront investment for long-term pay-outs.

Skip the car wash
Who needs to pay someone else to wash the car when your kids’ favorite game is already getting wet and playing with bubbles? I say just strip down the kids, send them out with a bucket and some sponges, and call them in when both the car AND the kids are clean. Two birds, one stone.

Eliminate gym fees
Save yourself some time and money by creating your own workout routines away from the gym. After all, you probably already have some of the best workout equipment at home: your kids. Children can be used as stretching partners, weights, or even foot holds. If you need some fit-spiration, just watch this power mama.

Let your children dress themselves
Most children I know tend to fall into one of two dressing categories: 1)They only like to wear one thing, and they will wear it every day until it withers away into a mere memory, or 2)They are tiny nudists who prefer to wear nothing at all. Either way, you’ll only need to buy your kids 1 or 2 outfits max.

So, there you have it. Real-world strategies for saving real families real money. Happy saving!

My #OOTD “Fashion” Blog

January 9, 20152 Comments

These last few weeks have been marvelous. Over Christmas break I got to spend two whole weeks at my parents’ house relaxing and enjoying the holiday festivities. I got to spend two whole weeks eating other peoples’ food that other people cooked and that other people cleaned up after. Two whole weeks of allowing others to do the vacuuming and the toilet scrubbing and the taking-out-the-garbage. It was…extraordinary.

Between not-cooking and not-cleaning I found myself with a rare gift: down time. And, since I was on vacation, I decided to use my new-found downtime in the most productive way I could think of: mindlessly perusing the internet.

I visited all of my favorite time-kill sites–Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest. And as I was clicking through the cat memes and the how-to-be-a-better-parent articles I discovered a new (to me) phenomenon: #ootd. Now, for those of you who might be new to the intricacies of the hashtag, #ootd stands for “outfit of the day”. It’s used by fashion bloggers and budding fashionistas to show the world what cute outfit they are wearing that day. In other words, this is how the fashion world says I should look. If you search online for #ootd you’ll come up with thousands of results like this (titled: “Ring in the year with style”):

Well, wouldn’t you know it! I was thinking of buying that exact same strapless sequined number to wear for preschool drop off! That sparkly clutch would probably hold a credit card AND a diaper! And those shoes! They’d be perfect for Costco runs and trips to the pediatrician! OK, not really.

While my clothing will probably never grace to pages of Glamour Magazine (heck, I don’t think my clothes even know what Glamour Magazine is), I’ve still got style. My style. The style of a busy stay-at-home mom who chooses comfort over fashion. And yet, the #ootd phenomenon has inspired me. I think I will join the ranks of fashion bloggers and give you, dear friends, a highly anticipated glance into my wardrobe. I now present to you: Allison’s #ootd.

Day 1
Since this outfit is representative of 90% of the outfits I wear during a given week, I thought I would present it first. Notice the comfy (read: stretchy) yoga pants and technical t-shirt, perfect for chasing after toddlers and wrestling a preschooler. The necklace is from the last half-marathon I completed, to remind me that before the Christmas slump I used to be active–it’s a medal of inspiration, really. Flip flops because…flip flops. Day 2
Sometimes I change out of my yoga pants so I can interact with other humans who don’t wear yoga pants every day. I put on a dress and some leggings (glorified yoga pants) to wear to my mid-week Bible study. The watch really goes better with my yoga-pants wardrobe, but I still like to know what time it is when I’m wearing a dress. Boots complete the look, wouldn’t you say? Day 3
My other go-to outfit: jeans, a t-shirt, a scarf, and some comfy shoes. I got the scarf at Penny’s (an Irish clothing chain that I really do hope will find its way to America soon!) and the shoes are knock-off Chucks. I think the total cost of this outfit was about the same price as a dinner at Red Robin. Day 4
I know you’re getting jealous of my unique sense of style and incredible eye for fashion, but I have just a few more gems for you. Outfit deets: tank–Tesco (an Irish grocery store. Yes, the grocery stores there sell clothes.); cardi–Target (basically an American grocery store that sells clothes); shoes–Toms (because I like giving shoes to people in need). This outfit is awesome because it’s layered (a practice that is apparently quite en vogue). If I get too warm, I can do the oh-so-fashionable tie-the-sweater-around-my-waist trick.
Day 5
Yes, I wore this. For an entire day. And, yes, it is as comfortable as it looks. The hoodie is circa 2003 from The INN (the college group where I met Jon–he probably fell in love with me because I was wearing this sweatshirt). The yoga pants (yes, I know, more yoga pants) are Lululemon (that’s fashionable, right?). A messy bun and slippers complete the look. Day 6
I didn’t even wear this outfit this week, but I just wanted to show you that I do own clothes that are not yoga pants and jeans. Outfit deets: dress–Old Navy; belt–Debenham’s (Irish Macy’s); necklace–LivingSocial deal (I have no idea what company actually made it, but I love it. Unfortuantely the beads have started to come loose and I keep reattaching them to the necklace haphazardly. I guess the interesting shape just gives it more character); shoes–H&M. Day 7–A Super Boy Bonus Feature!
David saw me modeling my wardrobe and he wanted to show off his duds, too. Here he is in his #ootd: an outfit he put on while he was playing at the neighbors house. Since all of the clothes belong to another child, I’m not sure where you might find these incredible pieces. If you do borrow clothing from the neighbor girl, however, I suggest you borrow a skin-tight midriff-exposing shirt and pants that you wear low enough on your waist to expose a band of blue undies. Suuuuuper cute.I hope I’ve offered you some wardrobe inspiration with my outfit of the day picks. And, when in doubt, just put on yoga pants. Comfort will never lead you wrong!

Real Life Facebook Photo Captions

October 24, 2014Leave a comment

Earlier this week a friend of mine posted a link to this blog. The blog features these idealized, picture-perfect stock photos of families that they edit to include true-to-life captions. It’s hilarious.

At the same time, though, it was a bit of an eye-opener for me. I mean, how many times do I post a photo on Facebook or Instagram that is “picture-perfect”, only to have the underlying story be so much more “realistic”? If the photo includes my children, there is almost certainly an unpleasant reality to the happy photos I share with the world. For instance, if I were telling the truth about these photos, this is what the captions would actually read:

“My mom is a drill sergeant. She woke me up at 6 AM to make me fold the mountain of clothes that I threw around my room last night when I was supposed to be in bed sleeping. Now I’m exhausted and I can’t even stay awake through the thrilling experience that is shopping at Costco.”

“My parents tried to do something really nice for my birthday by taking me to watch my heroes, the toys from Toy Story, skating at Disney on Ice. I repaid them for their generosity by having a meltdown at the souvenir stand when they said I couldn’t have all of the ridiculously overpriced toys they were selling at the show. I was throwing such a royal fit that I got carried out of the arena like I was Prince Ali.”“The only reason we’re sitting still right now is because we are licking jam off our fingers. We spent the rest of this playdate stealing toys from our guests and screaming any time it was suggested that we might share.”
“Our new bunkbeds are great. We like trying to fly off of them. And the rails taste really good. It’s also quite entertaining watching mom try to change sheets on the top bunk after I pee on them.” “I begged mom to buy me a new ball and, since she wanted to have a pleasant day, she broke under pressure and actually gave me what I wanted. It only took about 5 minutes for my little brother to throw the ball off the pier into the ocean. Mom hasn’t bought me another ball since then.” “Mom told me she’d give me a lollipop if I kissed my brother.” “Mom made the mistake of giving me “choices” on school picture day. She offered me three shirts to choose from, and I chose all three. When she tried to make me choose just one, I tore off all my clothes and refused to get dressed until I could choose my own outfit. I wore all three shirts for school picture day. #ftw”

So you see, life isn’t picture-perfect–especially life with kids. Every day is filled with its own challenges and meltdowns and refusals and fits. But thankfully, life is also filled with beautiful moments. Either way, get your cameras ready. We’re making memories here, folks–even if they are a bit shy of reality.

20 Things Little Boys Do

October 17, 2014October 17, 20145 Comments

So, I grew up in a family of all girls (my dad is a saint). My childhood was all pink and ballet-y and sweet. Nothing could have prepared me, then, for my current situation. The tables have turned, and now I find myself the mother of boys (thank goodness at least the dog is on my team).

Before my sons were born, I was either naive or ignorant or blind. I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. I now stand corrected. You see, little boys are not just a variance on little girls–they are a totally different creature. My boys do things every day that literally stop me in my tracks and say, “Huh….?”.

To illustrate my point, here is a sampling of 20 things little boys do:

1. Think they can fly–It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s…DAVID, GET OFF THAT ROOF RIGHT THIS INSTANT!!!!

2. Throw All The Stuff–balls, rocks, toys, their shoes, feces (sorry, but if that one got to you, you may want to stop reading this post right now).

3. Despise shoes. And pants.–A home with little boys is basically a tiny nudist colony.

4. Urinate in inappropriate places–Forget “missing the toilet” (which they will do without fail every time they pee, by the way). Just wait until you see the very unusual and, sometimes, shocking, public places they choose to drop their pants. I have photographic evidence of the horrendous places my son has chosen to relieve himself. I would share the photos here, but I’m saving them for blackmail when he’s a teenager.

5. Make it their personal mission to destroy All The Stuff–Have something you like? Yeah? Really? Well, if you have a little boy, you might as well kiss it goodbye right now. It will just make the future destruction more bearable.

6. Shred to pieces every pair of pants they own–Since they’re never actually wearing pants, I don’t know how it’s possible for them to wear holes and tears into every pair they own.

7. Lick All The Stuff–I mostly just try to ignore it because my stomach just can’t handle the truth.

8. Be fascinated with their own male anatomy–It starts young, folks.

9. Relate to their favorite super hero on a deeply personal level–They will literally think they are Superman/Batman/Spider Man/The Hulk/Wolverine/Captain America/Luke Skywalker/Buzz Lightyear.

10. Turn All The Stuff into guns/lasers/shooters/swords/canons/projectile-spewing objects–This is not taught, it is ingrained in their psyche.

11. Produce a disproportionate level of noise for the size of their body–My ears hurt too much to comment on this one.

12. Eat All The Stuff–SERIOUSLY.

13. Sleep in unusual places–Beds are for wusses.

14. Put All The Stuff in their pockets–I could start a small (but growing) art gallery with the collection I have removed from pockets on laundry day. Perhaps I’ll donate our gallery to the Guggenheim some day.

15. Fall down randomly like they’re fainting goats or something–Running, running, running, DOWN.

16. Think you are ACTUALLY CUTTING OFF THEIR FINGERS every time you trim their fingernails. Every. Single. Time.

17. Think their own bodily functions are hilarious–Nothing in God’s green earth can produce as much joy in a boy’s heart as the sound of a burp or a fart.

18. Spend hours enthralled by nothing but a pile of sticks and rocks–Oooh! Can we break them? Can we throw them? Can we eat them? Can we stuff them all in our pockets?

19. Injure themselves incessantly–see #1 and #15. And make sure you know the fastest route to the E.R. from your home, your son’s school, and your son’s favorite parks.

20. Think their mommy is a princess/The Queen/their wife–You can now disregard #’s 1-19, because this is the truth. If you are the mother of a little boy he will absolutely adore you. He will think you are royalty. He will guard and protect you as if his own little life depended on it. His cuddles will melt your heart anew every single day, and you will know that you are the luckiest person in the world. The luckiest, happiest, most exhausted person in the world–because you are the mother of a little boy.

Seattle Mom vs. Silicon Valley Mom

October 3, 2014October 3, 20142 Comments

Photo credit: SeattleTimes.com

In my nearly-four years of motherhood I have had the unique privilege of “momming” in several cities around the world. And you know what I’ve noticed? Moms, and how they do the whole Mom-Thing, are as distinct as the cities they inhabit. Now I am no expert in sociology, but I do like to secretly judge people based on my biased observations of their behavior. Moms happen to make the perfect target for my not-so-scientific evaluations.

This week I went to my first official Silicon Valley playgroup. It was terrifying and fascinating. The people, the conversations, the baby gear–it was all so new and compelling. But mostly, it was different. So very different from our last gig in Ireland, and so very different from my intro-to-motherhood years in Seattle (in fact, I am finding more differences between Silicon Valley and Seattle than I did between Seattle and Ireland). Here’s the breakdown:

Seattle Mom’s family consists of…her husband (an engineer at Boeing), three kids, and the family dog.
Silicon Valley Mom’s family consists of…her husband (an entrepreneur/tech mogul), two children (and she wouldn’t even DREAM of having more), and her childrens’ au pair who lives in the backyard guesthouse.

Seattle Mom is originally from…somewhere in the greater Puget Sound area. Maybe Sequim or Puyallup.
Silicon Valley Mom is originally from…Not-Silicon-Valley, most likely Not-California, and quite likely Not-America. She can’t fathom how you would pronounce “Sequim” or “Puyallup”.

Seattle Mom spends her day…going to Baby Bootcamp in the morning followed by a park play date. While her baby naps in the afternoon she prepares dinner, using mostly fresh and local ingredients.
Silicon Valley Mom spends her day…managing a tech startup. She uses an app on her iPhone to order food from The French Laundry or Coi so she can pick up dinner on her way home.

Seattle Mom lives in…a split-level home in the suburbs with a nice big yard for their organic vegetable garden.
Silicon Valley Mom lives in…a $1 Million rambler built in the 1950’s (but she’s working with an architect now on design plans to tear down the rambler and rebuild a $2.6 Million “cottage” on the property).

Seattle Mom wears…a Gore Tex jacket over her North Face puffy vest, jeans, and a pair of Chucks or rain boots.
Silicon Valley Mom wears…a fully coordinated Lululemon outfit (from this season), wedge sandals (so you can see her perfectly pedicured toesies), and a Coach purse.

Seattle Mom drives…a minivan (she just traded in her Subaru Outback).
Silicon Valley Mom drives…a Tesla Model S (she just traded in her BMW X6 so she could get the coveted “Clean Air Decal” and use the carpool lane when she’s solo-driving to her Friday morning spin class at Equinox).

Seattle Mom commutes…on I-5. There is no other option.
Silicon Vally Mom commutes…on “The Five”. Or 101. Or 280. Or 880. Or 85. Or 87. Or 17. Or CalTrain. Or BART.

Seattle Mom washes her car…in the rain. Why would you ever wash a car?
Silicon Valley Mom washes her car…at any of the thousands of “hand touch” car washes that line every street everywhere. Her car is washed and detailed at least once a week.

Seattle Mom spends her weekends…taking family bike rides along the Burke-Gilman, shopping at the Ballard Farmer’s Market, and walking her dog at Greenlake.
Silicon Valley Mom spends her weekends…shuttling her children between lacrosse games, karate belt tests, ballet recitals, Chinese school, engineering daycamp, violin lessons and water polo practice.

Seattle Mom’s preschool choice for her children…was based upon which school would nurture her child’s individuality. It’s affordable and there’s a good community of parents at the school.
Silicon Valley Mom’s preschool choice for her children…was already applied for before she left the maternity wing of Stanford Hospital. The preschool is nationally ranked for it’s strong emphasis on the Arts and college prep. There is daily instruction in foreign language and advanced circuit design. The Annual tuition is equivalent to the cost of a new home in Seattle.

Seattle Mom’s grass…is mowed by her, or her husband (if she’s lucky) or the neighbor boy (if she’s really lucky), or by nobody at all (during the months of October-April when the grass doesn’t grow because it’s just too dang cold outside).
Silicon Valley Mom’s grass…is mowed by The Gardener who comes every Tuesday morning like clockwork.

Seattle Mom’s favorite grocery store…Whole Foods and Metropolitan Market (but she actually does most of her shopping in the bulk section at WinCo).
Silicon Valley Mom’s favorite grocery store…Nob Hill Foods and Google Shopping Express.

In regard to weather, Seattle Mom dreams of…the sun. That is all.
In regard to weather, Silicon Valley Mom dreams of…just a touch of rain to get rid of this drought. As long as the rain doesn’t stick around long enough to force her under an umbrella.

Seattle Mom loves…her kids more than anything else in the world.
Silicon Valley Mom loves…her kids more than anything else in the world.

So, differences aside, maybe that’s all that really matters anyway. No matter where we’re from or where we find ourselves, this Mom Thing all boils down to one thing: loving our kids. Rain or shine, here or there, just loving those kids. And that will never change–even if you do decide to trade out your rain boots for some flip flops.

An Open Letter To Family Dogs (From A Family Dog)

September 5, 2014September 26, 2014Leave a comment

About a year after we got married, Jon and I decided to embark on a new adventure together: dog-rearing. Bota was our first introduction to caring for another living being, and we kind of wanted to prove to ourselves that we could hack it with a dog before we tried it with a human.

For a good long while, Bota was the center of our nuclear family universe. Fast forward four years (and two children) later, and she has…well…succumbed to a new position in the family. To illustrate, this is how I found Bota when I entered the kitchen yesterday afternoon:

The poor dog puts up with a lot. In fact, I think being the family dog must be one of the hardest jobs out there. So, in honor of Bota and all of the other hard-working family pets out there, I offer you a this letter. It is a letter from Bota to other dogs who might be considering the role of man’s (and childrens’) best friend. Enjoy. Or don’t. Just don’t put any more pool accessories the dog’s head.

Dearest comrades,
Congratulations! You have accepted the greatest calling of your life, that of a family dog. You are entering the ranks of the brave, the loyal, the always-faithful, the tough-skinned and the ever-patient. This is a role that comes with much honor, but with it comes much hard work. I want to encourage you in this journey but, to be fair, I feel I should also enlighten you about the road you are now facing.

You have already enjoyed your golden years. When you’re having a rough day, just remember how good you’ve had it up until now. You had one–maybe two–owners. You were their roommate, their confidante and their companion. You were treated not as an animal, but with the dignity and respect that is sometimes reserved for other humans. Actually, you were treated more like Hollywood royalty. With your frequent spa days and daily trips to the dog park, you often wondered how you got so lucky. Your “parents” bought you gifts on holidays and birthdays and for no reason at all. They planned puppy playdates for you in parks. They arranged doggy resort stays for you if they had to work late or leave town for the weekend. They would even let you ride in the front seat and buy you your own meal at the drive-thru.

Life was good.

But now they have children–HUMAN children–and life will be different. The love and attention that used to be solely yours will now be shared with the human children. Do not be discouraged, though, because there will still be plenty of love to go around.

The human children will actually enjoy many of the same things you do! They like chasing after balls and will even try throwing balls for you sometimes (although most of them will end up in a bush or over a fence where you will never ever be able to find them again).

The human children also enjoy exploring. They will be happy to tromp through a river with you and dig in the mud. They may even find a nice stick to throw for you (if they start hitting you with the stick, though, just run them over and pretend like you were playing a game).

The human children will create hilarious games for you to play together. My favorite is where they tell me there’s a squirrel in a tree–EVEN THOUGH THERE’S NOT!–just so I can run and jump and claw at the tree like I’m insane or something. It’s awesome.

They will think it’s cute to do things like color you a poster for your birthday, even though you can’t read and don’t understand the point of birthdays.

If you’re really lucky, your owners will feel bad that they’ve completely neglected you for the last year and will even bake you a cake for your birthday. They won’t let you eat it, though, because it’s made of chocolate (hypocrites).
The human children will love you so much that they’ll even dress you up so you can look like them. Too bad they all look like homeless pirates.

When the human children are away from you, they will miss you like crazy. In fact, they will insist on employing modern technology to get some face-to-face time with you (because you’re that awesome).

It’s tough work being the family dog, and at the end of the day you’ll probably be exhausted. It’s alright to take a moment for yourself.

Because, at the end of the day, your job is one of the most important ones out there. You play with and entertain and endure, and love your family. The daily walks and the gourmet dog meals may be long gone (although, kids are a great resource for extra treats at the dinner table), but you have something so much better. You have a family.

For better or worse.

With my enduring love,
Bota

Packing For A Desert Island

July 18, 2014July 18, 2014Leave a comment

Well, folks, it’s happening. I’m officially losing my mind. We are currently moving full speed ahead for The Big Move next week–that is, our second international move in 12 months…with two young children…and a dog…and more stuff than a family of four should legally be allowed to own. It’s no wonder, then, that packing all that STUFF has been at the forefront of my mind.

Last week I was contacted by Man Crates, an awesome new company that creates unique gift crates for men (I actually can’t stop drooling over their bacon crate–do you know how long it’s been since I’ve had proper bacon?). Man Crates had a challenge for me: If I could pack my own desert island survival kit, what would I bring? So, with all of my packing know-how and current expertise in stuff I decided to take them on. Here are the 5 items I would chose to save if (God forbid) the cargo ship carrying all of our worldly belongings sinks in the Atlantic and I happen to end up on an island with my lone surviving things:

1. Sunglasses
Let’s get one thing straight here. If I’m going to be stranded on an island, it’s going to be a sun-drenched tropical island. You know, one of those lush beauties with pristine white sand and crystal clear water straight out of The Beach. And for this, I must have my sunglasses.

2. Cake
Cake is the one essential food group that I can not, will not live without. The world is a better place because of cake. Yummmmmm….cake.

3. iPhone
How did we ever live before iPhones? I mean, really. This little device that costs a small fortune, fits in my pocket, and allows me to wast countless hours of my life. I would bring my iPhone to the desert island so I could post photos to Instagram of the beautiful sunsets on our beach and update Facebook with the details of our new island life. I would play Candy Crush with the waves lapping at my feet and maybe even download an app to help me find fresh drinking water on the island. If I got desperate enough I could text someone to come rescue us…but not until the cake runs out.

4. My Favorite Babysitter
I know that this is a bit unorthodox as a “thing”, but every parent knows that a good babysitter is indispensable. I debated whether or not I should leave the kids at home for this little escape to the desert island, but the truth is I kinda like them and I think this would be a great hands-on learning experience for them. You know, something they’ll look back on when they’re teenagers and say, “Wow, thanks for exposing me to the wonders of the world, Mom.” So, the kids are coming–but I’m bringing help. The babysitter will play with the kids while I nap under a palm tree, and then she’ll forage for fresh fruit and berries while our family goes on a nature hike. The best of both worlds, folks.

5. Running Shoes
I love to run. No, really, I do. Running allows me to explore new places, gain some energy, and de-stress. It also helps me burn off all the cake-calories. I’ll just make sure I install a reliable GPS app on my desert island iPhone before I leave for a run–wouldn’t want to get stranded or anything.

So, there you have it: five items that are essential to my existence. And, to be honest, this whole “stranded on a desert island” thing actually sounds pretty nice right now. I think I’m going to call the movers and just tell them Nah, I’ve got this. My iPhone and running shoes fit in my purse, so forget all the dishes and duvets and boxes of winter clothing. I’m moving to a desert island where I can lay in the sun all day eating cake.

Now I turn the question to you: What would be in your desert island survival kit?

How a Mom Actually Cooks Dinner

May 23, 2014May 23, 2014Leave a comment

Last night I decided to try a new recipe for dinner. When it comes to dinner–especially week-night dinners–I usually try to stick with the basics. Things that I’ve made a thousand times and could cook in my sleep (or in the zombie-like trance that is otherwise known as “motherhood”). I had found a new recipe that I really wanted to try, though, and I was feeling brave so I decided to give it a go.

The recipe in question this night was Sausage and Roasted Vegetable Penne. The recipe basically went like this:

Prep time: 15 minutes
Level of difficulty: Easy

Directions:
Step 1: Chop and roast vegetables
Step 2: Boil water and cook pasta
Step 3: Cook sausage
Step 4: Mix it all together and serve

It all seemed simple enough. 15 minutes. Four easy steps. I can do this. Even at the end of a long day with two tired children…how hard could it be? Famous last words…

Here is how a mom actually cooks dinner:

Prep time: 1 1/2 hours, give or take
Level of difficulty: Grueling

Directions:
Step 1: Wash your hands.
Step 2: Start chopping onions but stop halfway through to go change a diaper.
Step 3: Wash your hands.
Step 4: Start chopping bell peppers but stop halfway through to give the kids a snack.
Step 5: Start chopping zucchini but stop halfway through to deal with your distraught 3-year old who has discovered that some monster (you) threw away one of his broken McDonald’s toys.

Step 6: Toss vegetables with olive oil and a bit of salt and pepper. Place on a baking tray.
Step 7: Try to put the baking tray in your oven and realize that it’s too big and won’t fit. Transfer everything to a smaller tray. Total time elapsed thus far: 38 minutes.

Step 8: While the vegetables are roasting in the oven, put some water in a pot for the pasta. While the pot is filling, you get a phone call. You (stupidly) answer the phone and it’s a telemarketer who won’t hang up. Run back to the sink and dump half of the water out of your overflowing pot.
Step 9: Put the pot on to boil. Meanwhile, begin to cook sausage in a pan.
Step 10: Trip over the dog 5,000 times.
Step 11: Toss the vegetables and return them to the oven.
Step 12: Drag your toddler around the kitchen while he sits on your foot.

Step 13: Deglaze the sausage with a splash of white wine. Decide that’s a good idea and pour yourself a glass.

Step 14: Add pasta to the boiling water and cook to al dente.
Step 15: Discover that your children have moved all of their muddy balls from the backyard into your kitchen. Spend the next few minutes throwing muddy balls out the back door.

Step 16: Wash your hands.
Step 17: Remove vegetables from the oven.
Step 18: Read a story to your distraught toddler who, judging by his wails, thinks you have abandoned him for all eternity.

Step 19: Drain pasta, reserving some of the liquid for your sauce.
Step 20: Answer your 3-year old’s shouts that he’s “all done and needs a wipe” in the upstairs bathroom.
Step 21: Wash your hands.
Step 22: Eat some cheese.
Step 23: Combine pasta, sausage, and roasted veggies in a large pot. Sprinkle with Parmesan cheese and serve.
Step 24: Collapse exhausted in your seat at the dinner table and hope that somebody will actually eat the meal set before them instead of the usual “that’s gross” or throwing food across the room to the dog.
Step 24: Give yourself a pat on the back and a gold star. Dinner: accomplished.

Hooray! You did it! Now, go clean those dishes and get ready because you get to do it all over again tomorrow night. Actually, scratch that. Just look up the phone number for pizza delivery and save yourself the trouble. How hard could that be?

Fortunately I Know I Will Laugh About This Some Day

May 13, 2014May 13, 20143 Comments

There are many fears that we have as parents. Fears over safety, health, and our child’s general well-being. I would have to say, though, that one of my worst fears as a mom is over something that I encounter nearly every day of my life: that my child will have to go to the bathroom at an inconvenient time or place. Seriously. The panic that sets in when you hear the words “Mommy, I have to go“–and you know there’s nowhere to go–is unparalleled. This happens to me all. the. time. Somehow they just seem to know the single most inconvenient place to declare a need for relief and I somehow have to magically find a solution. As a matter of example, here is a brief excerpt from our trip to the park today:

Fortunately I had about an hour to kill this morning before we were meeting up with some friends for lunch, so I thought we would stop by a new park for some fun play time.

Unfortunately as soon as we pulled into the parking lot David grabbed his crotch and said he had to go potty.

Fortunately a woman in the parking lot told me there were toilets in a cafe in the park.

Unfortunately the cafe was about 1/4 mile away from the parking lot on the opposite side of the park.

Fortunately I’m a strong momma so I picked up my toddler and ran with David all the way across the park to the cafe.

Unfortunately the restrooms were for cafe customers only.

Fortunately I had a coin in my pocket, so I bought a fruit snack before we rushed into the bathroom to do our business.

Unfortunately we were not at the park to spend all day in the bathroom and a little cafe.

Fortunately there was a fantastic playground back on the other side of the park near the parking lot. The boys had a blast swinging and sliding and spinning and climbing.

Unfortunately our time in the playground eventually came to an end and we had to get ready to leave for our lunch.

Fortunately David said he didn’t have to go potty again before we left, so we started to walk out to our car.

Unfortunately he was lying.

Fortunately I knew where the bathroom was this time, and when he started doing his little potty dance I grabbed him by the hand and started leading him back across the park.

Unfortunately we only got halfway across the park toward the cafe toilets when David stopped in his tracks, looked up to me and said he didn’t have to go potty any more.

Fortunately the front of his pants were still dry.

Unfortunately, the back of his pants were quite brown and stinky.

Fortunately I had a change of clothes for him in the diaper bag that was back in our car.

Unfortunately, the car was now on the opposite side of the park again.

Fortunately I’m a strong momma and I was able to, for the third time this morning, run across the park while schlepping a flailing toddler in my arms and chasing a distracted preschooler all the way back to the car.

Unfortunately by the time we got back to the car to retrieve the diaper bag I really didn’t want to walk all the way back across the park to the cafe again.

Fortunately I spotted a public toilet right across from the playground.

Unfortunately it was one of those super-sketchy public toilets that is a single pod and you have to pay to go inside and then a metal door slides shut behind you and I’m pretty sure meth addicts hang out in them and they are always disgusting and smell like the inside of a sewage treatment plant.

Fortunately I’m a strong momma who’d already had been through enough crazy this morning that the sketchy public toilet didn’t bother me as much as it should have so we went in anyway.

Unfortunately it was just as disgusting as I’d imagined it would be and I had to cover the entire room with toilet paper before I would allow my children to step foot inside.

Fortunately David finished his business on the toilet instead of in his pants.

Unfortunately I’d used up all of our allotted toilet paper making a semi-sanitary environment for my children and there wasn’t enough left to clean up David (remember, it’s a sketchy pay-by-the-minute public toilet with a toilet paper allowance).

Fortunately I had baby wipes in the diaper bag. They did the trick.

Unfortunately while I was cleaning David up with the baby wipes Jacob saw the giant flashing red button that was right at his eye level: the SOS button. He pushed it. Sirens went off. Lights started flashing. The metal door that had been shielding us and our poop-covered selves from the rest of the decent world crashed open.

Fortunately David didn’t even notice that he was stark naked and covered in poop in the middle of a public park. We finished getting him cleaned up, dressed him in clean pants, and walked out of the toilet as if nothing had ever happened.

Unfortunately I lost the last bit of dignity that I had been holding onto since I was in labor with my babies.

Fortunately I’m still alive to tell you this story. I didn’t die of embarrassment or a heart attack or a staph infection from the disgusting public toilet. And in the end, I guess that’s all that really matters.

Unfortunately this is a true story.

Fortunately I know I will laugh about this some day.

The End

You May Be A Stay At Home Mom If…

May 2, 2014May 2, 2014Leave a comment

About four years ago I retired from my day job as a teacher and entered the ranks of a new profession: I became a stay at home mom. It is a choice that I have never regretted, yet my life is undeniably different now that I spend my days (and nights) tending to my children. I’m sure you already know if you are a career Mother but, just in case you were wondering, here are a few things that might tip you off:

You may be a stay at home mom if the days of the week and holidays have lost all sense and meaning: it’s either a “Daddy’s at work” day or a “Daddy’s at home day”.

You may be a stay at home mom if you swap out your yoga pants for a pair of jeans and feel like you’ve dressed up.

You may be a stay at home mom if you find yourself having conversations with imaginary friends. They’re called “adults”.

You may be a stay at home mom if you finish cleaning up breakfast just in time to start preparing lunch, and finish cleaning up lunch just in time to lay out the afternoon snack, and finish putting away snack just in time to start cooking dinner.

You may be a stay at home mom if a solo trip to the grocery store is about as exciting as riding a unicorn to the moon.

You may be a stay at home mom if you find yourself singing the “If You Have To Go Potty” song from Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood every time you have to go potty.

You may be a stay at home mom if you’re exhausted at the end of the day but can’t remember a single thing you did.

You may be a stay at home mom if an unsolicited silence is your worst enemy.

You may be a stay at home mom if your idea of a great escape is watching Downton Abbey while you fold laundry.

You may be a stay at home mom if you find yourself randomly humming the tunes from your baby’s Jumperoo and your toddler’s push toy.

You may be a stay at home mom if you haven’t eaten lunch yet. This week.

You may be a stay at home mom if your husband gets home from work and you greet him like an excited Cocker Spaniel and don’t stop talking for at least an hour.

You may be a stay at home mom if the kids have been in bed for half an hour and you realize you’re still watching Dora The Explorer.

You may be a stay at home mom if the hot topics of debate among your friends revolves around which McDonald’s has the best playground and which library has the best story time.

You may be a stay at home mom if your daily exercise routine consists of running after a toddler, carrying laundry up and down stairs, squatting to pick up toys and crunching numbers to stay on budget.

You may be a stay at home mom if you’re on a first-name basis with the UPS delivery driver.

You may be a stay at home mom if the sight of your clean-ish house actually makes you cringe a bit because you realize that what has taken hours to achieve will all be laid to waste within seconds of your children re-entering the scene.

You may be a stay at home mom if nap time is the closest thing to paradise you experience on this side of heaven.

You may be a stay at home mom if your paychecks come in the form of slobbery kisses and squeaky “I love you’s”.

You may be a stay at home mom if you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have the best job in the world…even if you are broke, exhausted, and a bit disconnected from reality.

To all of my fellow stay at home moms out there, keep up the good work. It’s important work, perhaps the most important work you could be doing. And, if that’s not enough encouragement, happy Friday–Daddy will be home soon!

We Love, Teach, Grow

My journey through motherhood

Category: Humor