Fortunately I Know I Will Laugh About This Some Day

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There are many fears that we have as parents. Fears over safety, health, and our child’s general well-being. I would have to say, though, that one of my worst fears as a mom is over something that I encounter nearly every day of my life: that my child will have to go to the bathroom at an inconvenient time or place. Seriously. The panic that sets in when you hear the words “Mommy, I have to go“–and you know there’s nowhere to go–is unparalleled. This happens to me all. the. time. Somehow they just seem to know the single most inconvenient place to declare a need for relief and I somehow have to magically find a solution. As a matter of example, here is a brief excerpt from our trip to the park today:

Fortunately I had about an hour to kill this morning before we were meeting up with some friends for lunch, so I thought we would stop by a new park for some fun play time.

Unfortunately as soon as we pulled into the parking lot David grabbed his crotch and said he had to go potty.

Fortunately a woman in the parking lot told me there were toilets in a cafe in the park.

Unfortunately the cafe was about 1/4  mile away from the parking lot on the opposite side of the park.

Fortunately I’m a strong momma so I picked up my toddler and ran with David all the way across the park to the cafe.

Unfortunately the restrooms were for cafe customers only.

Fortunately I had a coin in my pocket, so I bought a fruit snack before we rushed into the bathroom to do our business.

Unfortunately we were not at the park to spend all day in the bathroom and a little cafe.

Fortunately there was a fantastic playground back on the other side of the park near the parking lot. The boys had a blast swinging and sliding and spinning and climbing.

Unfortunately our time in the playground eventually came to an end and we had to get ready to leave for our lunch.

Fortunately David said he didn’t have to go potty again before we left, so we started to walk out to our car.

Unfortunately he was lying.

Fortunately I knew where the bathroom was this time, and when he started doing his little potty dance I grabbed him by the hand and started leading him back across the park.

Unfortunately we only got halfway across the park toward the cafe toilets when David stopped in his tracks, looked up to me and said he didn’t have to go potty any more.

Fortunately the front of his pants were still dry.

Unfortunately, the back of his pants were quite brown and stinky.

Fortunately I had a change of clothes for him in the diaper bag that was back in our car.

Unfortunately, the car was now on the opposite side of the park again.

Fortunately I’m a strong momma and I was able to, for the third time this morning, run across the park while schlepping a flailing toddler in my arms and chasing a distracted preschooler all the way back to the car.

Unfortunately by the time we got back to the car to retrieve the diaper bag I really didn’t want to walk all the way back across the park to the cafe again.

Fortunately I spotted a public toilet right across from the playground.

Unfortunately it was one of those super-sketchy public toilets that is a single pod and you have to pay to go inside and then a metal door slides shut behind you and I’m pretty sure meth addicts hang out in them and they are always disgusting and smell like the inside of a sewage treatment plant.

Fortunately I’m a strong momma who’d already had been through enough crazy this morning that the sketchy public toilet didn’t bother me as much as it should have so we went in anyway.

Unfortunately it was just as disgusting as I’d imagined it would be and I had to cover the entire room with toilet paper before I would allow my children to step foot inside.

Fortunately David finished his business on the toilet instead of in his pants.

Unfortunately I’d used up all of our allotted toilet paper making a semi-sanitary environment for my children and there wasn’t enough left to clean up David (remember, it’s a sketchy pay-by-the-minute public toilet with a toilet paper allowance).

Fortunately I had baby wipes in the diaper bag. They did the trick.

Unfortunately while I was cleaning David up with the baby wipes Jacob saw the giant flashing red button that was right at his eye level: the SOS button. He pushed it. Sirens went off. Lights started flashing. The metal door that had been shielding us and our poop-covered selves from the rest of the decent world crashed open.

Fortunately David didn’t even notice that he was stark naked and covered in poop in the middle of a public park. We finished getting him cleaned up, dressed him in clean pants, and walked out of the toilet as if nothing had ever happened.

Unfortunately I lost the last bit of dignity that I had been holding onto since I was in labor with my babies.

Fortunately I’m still alive to tell you this story. I didn’t die of embarrassment or a heart attack or a staph infection from the disgusting public toilet. And in the end, I guess that’s all that really matters.

Unfortunately this is a true story.

Fortunately I know I will laugh about this some day.

The End

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You May Be A Stay At Home Mom If…

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About four years ago I retired from my day job as a teacher and entered the ranks of a new profession: I became a stay at home mom. It is a choice that I have never regretted, yet my life is undeniably different now that I spend my days (and nights) tending to my children. I’m sure you already know if you are a career Mother but, just in case you were wondering, here are a few things that might tip you off:

You may be a stay at home mom if the days of the week and holidays have lost all sense and meaning: it’s either a “Daddy’s at work” day or a “Daddy’s at home day”.

You may be a stay at home mom if you swap out your yoga pants for a pair of jeans and feel like you’ve dressed up.

You may be a stay at home mom if you find yourself having conversations with imaginary friends. They’re called “adults”.

You may be a stay at home mom if you finish cleaning up breakfast just in time to start preparing lunch, and finish cleaning up lunch just in time to lay out the afternoon snack, and finish putting away snack just in time to start cooking dinner.

You may be a stay at home mom if a solo trip to the grocery store is about as exciting as riding a unicorn to the moon.

You may be a stay at home mom if you find yourself singing the “If You Have To Go Potty” song from Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood every time you have to go potty.

You may be a stay at home mom if you’re exhausted at the end of the day but can’t remember a single thing you did.

You may be a stay at home mom if an unsolicited silence is your worst enemy.

You may be a stay at home mom if your idea of a great escape is watching Downton Abbey while you fold laundry.

You may be a stay at home mom if you find yourself randomly humming the tunes from your baby’s Jumperoo and your toddler’s push toy.

You may be a stay at home mom if you haven’t eaten lunch yet. This week.

You may be a stay at home mom if your husband gets home from work and you greet him like an excited Cocker Spaniel and don’t stop talking for at least an hour.

You may be a stay at home mom if the kids have been in bed for half an hour and you realize you’re still watching Dora The Explorer.

You may be a stay at home mom if the hot topics of debate among your friends revolves around which McDonald’s has the best playground and which library has the best story time.

You may be a stay at home mom if your daily exercise routine consists of running after a toddler, carrying laundry up and down stairs, squatting to pick up toys and crunching numbers to stay on budget.

You may be a stay at home mom if you’re on a first-name basis with the UPS delivery driver.

You may be a stay at home mom if the sight of your clean-ish house actually makes you cringe a bit because you realize that what has taken hours to achieve will all be laid to waste within seconds of your children re-entering the scene.

You may be a stay at home mom if nap time is the closest thing to paradise you experience on this side of heaven.

You may be a stay at home mom if your paychecks come in the form of slobbery kisses and squeaky “I love you’s”.

You may be a stay at home mom if you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you have the best job in the world…even if you are broke, exhausted, and a bit disconnected from reality.

To all of my fellow stay at home moms out there, keep up the good work. It’s important work, perhaps the most important work you could be doing. And, if that’s not enough encouragement, happy Friday–Daddy will be home soon!

Life With Boys

I grew up in a family of all girls. My world as a child revolved around ballerinas, princesses, frilly dresses and “playing” house (oh, the irony…). Fast forward a few years and the roles have been reversed. I am now the only female in a house run by boys (children and husband counted in that tally). And, as you might expect, my world is a bit different now. Life with boys usually leaves me dumbfounded and, sometimes, just plain shocked. I offer you the following examples of how my life has changed now that I am living a life with boys:

1. On a beautiful Spring afternoon I took my 3-year old son out to play in the field across the street from our house. As we laid in the grass some daisies caught our eye. David started picking the delicate flowers and I taught him how to make daisy chains.

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As I was adding the final flower to our daisy chain I looked up to show David our beautiful creation…only he wasn’t sitting behind me any more. No, he had stood up, turned around, dropped his pants down to his ankles (remember, we’re in the field in the middle of our neighborhood) and was peeing all over the daisies. No daisy crown for you, son.

2. Due to my boys’ destructive tendencies, I have become an expert at mending all manner of broken things (clothes, toys, books, the family dog).

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3. David and Jacob will just be walking along and, all of a sudden, they’ll stop in their tracks, lay down in a pile of mud and start making “snow angels”. For no reason.

4. Most days when I go to put on my shoes or boots there are little surprises waiting inside for me:

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5. When I point out a cool bug for them to look at their first instinct is to smash it to smithereens.

6. All of my kitchen gadgets are tools with much more creative uses than they were originally designed for. The salad tongs are screwdrivers, the meat mallet is a hammer, the wooden spoons are drumsticks, the whisk is a light saber, the pastry cutter is a violin and the vegetable peeler is its bow. As a result, my boys have enjoyed hours of endless entertainment from my gadget drawer…and I have to re-wash every kitchen tool every day.

7. I always check my drinking glass before I take a sip of water. You never know what might be lurking inside…plastic soldiers:

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…or grapes (but we wanted to see if they’d float, Mom!):

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8. I am trying to allow David to exert his independence and help get himself dressed for school in the morning. Nine times out of ten, though, we end up with something like this:

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9. I find myself uttering ridiculous phrases like “Don’t pull your brother’s penis!” and “Quit peeing on the picnic table! That’s where we were going to eat dinner tonight!”.

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10. We have actually coerced David into eating his dinner by allowing him to run laps in the kitchen. For every bite of food he ate, he got to run one lap around the kitchen. It was the only time this month that he ate his entire plate of dinner in one sitting (even though he wasn’t exactly sitting).

11.David April 2013 - 0030Everything (and I mean EVERYTHING) revolves around balls: basketballs, baseballs, footballs, tennis balls, rugby balls, soccer balls, golf balls, bouncy balls, bowling balls. Our house is littered with balls. Our topic of conversation at dinner revolves around balls. A good day or a bad day depends on how many balls we played with and whether or not they were full of enough air. Even our food must be referred to in ball terms if there is any hope of getting my boys to eat it (Have you tried your pea balls yet? Look at that chicken–it almost looks like a football! Did you know that the best soccer players eat all of their broccoli?).

12. Every time they see a dandelion they roar with all their might (Get it? DandeLIONS?).

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Yes, life with boys is a challenging, head-scratching, patience-testing, learn-more-each-day experience. In the end, though, I wouldn’t have it any other way. My boys have taught me to be more spontaneous, to enjoy getting messy, to use my imagination in new and creative ways, and to laugh more. They are the apples of my eye, and I wouldn’t trade them for all of the frills and fluff and lace that money could buy.

The Kids-or-no-Kids Quiz

When I was a teenager I enjoyed doing the quizzes that came in teen magazines. You know, quizzes that gave you answers to vitally important questions such as “What’s Your Best Prom Perfume?” and “Which Hunger Games District’s Nail Art Should You Try?” (real quizzes from this months’ edition of Seventeen Magazine, by the way). Now that I’m a mom I don’t have time for quizzes or magazines or reading, for that matter. But I still thought that it would be fun to put you to the test. This little quiz will reveal to you in 14 simple questions where you fall on the parenting spectrum. Just keep track of your answers as you go along and tally up the results at the end. I like to call this:

The Kids-or-no-Kids Quiz

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1. For lunch today you:
A) Dined in a classy restaurant with friends while sipping rose’.
B) Ate a nutritious kale and raspberry salad with high-Omega-3 salmon splashed down with a tall glass of milk.
C) Heated up leftover Mac ‘n Cheese…and reheated it 3 times before you had time to finish the bowl.

2. The Pandora radio station you have playing right now is:
A) Nicki Minaj Dance Mix–and you’re twerking when nobody’s watching.
B) Dave Matthews Band–how very grown-up of you.
C) Disney Family Radio–Nothing like a rousing rendition of “M-I-C-K-E-Y” to get you moving.

3. You are currently wearing:
A) Clothing that has the words “dry clean only” printed on the tags.
B) The latest outfit you copied off Pinterest.
C) Your pajamas…and it’s 2:00 in the afternoon.

4. The last time you handled someone else’s pee/poop/puke was:
A) OMG. Gross.
B) I emptied the bucket for my husband the last time he had the flu.
C) I don’t know–this morning? 5 minutes ago? RIGHT NOW.

5. The last time you had a date out with your spouse was:
A) We go out for drinks after work most nights and still make it to the club on the weekends.
B) Friday night.
C) 2012

6. The furniture in your house consists mostly of:
A) Beautiful pieces straight out of the Pottery Barn Catalog.
B) Ikea–affordable and practical.
C) Craigslist and Goodwill finds. The Pottery Barn stuff is in storage for the next 18 years and all of the Ikea crap broke.

7. If I were to look into your purse right now, I’d find:
A) A designer wallet and department store make-up.
B) A coin purse from your trip to Peru last summer and some Chapstick.
C) Baby wipes, a pacifier, 2 boxes of raisins, a used burp cloth, and a clean pair of size 3T underwear in case there’s an accident on your next public outing. But where’s my wallet…

8. Your idea of a vacation is:
A) Traveling to an exotic locale where you stay in one of those bungalows on stilts over pristine blue waters.
B) Somewhere close by–you’re saving up for a down payment on a house.
C) Walking the garbage cans out to the curb by yourself.

9. The best time of the day is:
A) When you leave work.
B) When your spouse gets home from work.
C) The hour or so between the kids’ bedtime and your bedtime.

10. When you see other peoples’ kids throwing a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store you:
A) Roll your eyes and complain to a manager about the disturbance in Aisle 4.
B) Recall the discipline techniques you read about in That Parenting Book and wonder why these parents can’t seem to get it together. At least your future children will know well enough to behave when they’re out in public.
C) Run over to that poor, distressed mother and have a good cry with her.

11. The back seat of your car is:
A) Nonexistent. Why would you need a backseat in a sports car?
B) Empty, except for your yoga mat that you actually use 3-5 times a week.
C) Covered in smooshed raisins and pulverized Cheerios, has about a dozen assorted toys and books strewn about, and a hole in the seat-back where somebody is trying to dig out all of the stuffing.

12. The most important criteria in a restaurant is:
A) A great happy hour with a resident mixologist.
B) Great ambiance and amazing food worthy of a Food Network special.
C) Noisy, fun table-top kids activities, fast service, cheap.

13. The best part of the weekend is:
A) Sleeping in.
B) Sleeping in.
C) Having your spouse with you to share in the misery of not sleeping in.

14. The best thing you’ve ever heard is:
A) News that you just got that promotion at work.
B) That you’re pregnant!
C) Your child saying “I love you”.

Mostly A’s: No kids, no way
Kids are a far thought from your life. They’re loud, they’re messy, they’re inconvenient, they’re expensive. Pass. Enjoy your freedom while you have it, because chances are that it won’t last for long.

Mostly B’s: Dreaming of babies
You’re saving up money while cutting back your hours at work to see how you can make everything work on a tighter budget. You exercise and eat all of the right foods for a healthy womb. You chart your ovulation. You secretly read baby name books and watch A Baby Story on TLC. You are full of hope and optimism. Bring on the babies!

Mostly C’s: In the trenches of parenthood
Your family consists of at least one mini-me. You wake up most mornings feeling like you’ve been hit by a truck and the coffee can’t make itself fast enough. Your kids are loud, they’re messy, they’re inconvenient, they’re expensive. And, yet, you wouldn’t trade your life or your kids for anything.  You know that parenting is not clean or easy or in any way glamorous. Sometimes it’s not even fun. But it’s a job full of joy and love, and that makes it all worth it.

Pinterest V. Reality

About a year ago–when I was spending about 8 hours a day sitting in a chair nursing my newborn–I discovered the addictive internet time-suck called Pinterest. For those of you who have managed to evade the world of Pinterest and pins and pinners and all that is “pinteresting”, let me fill you in.

Pinterest is a website where you basically create virtual bulletin boards of images from the internet. Each “board” is a collection of ideas and inspirations that you create and share with others on the website. You might have one board full of cooking ideas, another with birthday party ideas, another with fashion tips, and so on.

When I last checked, I had over 20 different boards chock-full of amazing ideas. Ideas that, last time I checked, have pretty much all remained at the “I should try that some time” stage. Because, you see, Pinterest is not reality.

I like the idea of beautiful organization and creative DIY projects and over-the-top parties. But I can’t do that stuff. Pinterest is beautiful and clean and well-planned–real life, though, tends to be more chaotic and dirty and thrown-together. Here are a few examples of how my real life compares to the magical world of Pinterest.

Pinterest: Cute little bins for each day of the week to entertain your child during quiet time. Each bin is full of interesting activities that will captivate even the most restless of preschoolers. 6bc6827a1ce63bc452626ccfe913ef39 Reality: About two weeks ago David gave up his naps. Cold turkey. He’d always taken a 2-3 hour snooze in the afternoon and then, out of the blue, he just quit taking naps one day–and he hasn’t looked back. So now we have “quiet time”–time where he is supposed to retreat to his room and rest or play quietly for half an hour so I can prep dinner or watch YouTube videos in peace. I have discovered, however, that the quieter he is during his quiet time, the more trouble he’s getting in to. Case in point: IMG_2862 Moral of the story: the only thing worse than a noisy 3-year old boy is a quiet 3-year old boy.

Pinterest: Cute, hip, trendy, fashionable. This is how I should look. f7e92c834559481edbeb1a1aec3aa0f5 Reality: My baby would smash bananas on the cute shirt, my 3-year old would break the shiny glasses, I’d trip in the ooh-la-la shoes, and the bag would be full of diapers and spit-up rags. My mommy uniform of choice consists of black yoga pants, a technical shirt and my fuzzy Ugg-inspired slippers. If you ever see me looking even remotely cute or hip or fashionable, you know I’m just putting on a show for you. photo

Pinterest: An immaculately organized closet for baby. Everything is sorted by size and color and adorableness.d418b4dee37c29c8dab3b20c4ec6b922

Reality: We recently moved into a smaller space (and, by smaller, I mean that Jacob literally sleeps in a closet now). We have to make the space work for us. And, by work for us, I mean we have stuff crammed into every nook and cranny we can find. Jacob’s closet consists of his jackets, boxes for the too-big/too-small baby clothes, a laundry basket full of diapers and wipes, more diapers piled up the sides of the closet, a Pac-N-Play on the floor, and luggage piled up to the ceiling. Hey, it works.

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Pinterest: Dazzle your child with this rainbow-layered sprinkle cake. 2013-06-20-6341922529_877ef3437e_o Reality: I made a sprinkle cake, too: chocolate cake mix from a box, topped with sprinkles. IMG_3060 …and within about 2 seconds, it looked like this: IMG_3066 I bet mine was just as yummy, though!

Pinterest: Look at this cute way to organize all of your child’s art and craft supplies. Cute, cute, cute. Perfect little jars arranged on a shelf. Notice how each jar contains exactly one type of supply. Notice also how all of the crayons are in one piece with their wrappers on, the markers all have lids, and the chalk is unused. 85a85f7d2bf5d923ae05494459b02fb1 Reality: We have a large Rubbermaid bin that I stash under a bench in our kitchen. Into this bin we stuff all of our crayons, paint, markers, Play-doh and stickers and we pull it out any time we feel like getting crafty. And, just so you know, half of the markers are lid-less and all of the crayons are in tiny, broken shards. photo (3)

Pinterest: A DIY family rules sign. Charming. All you have to do is go out to the woods, chop down a tree, plane the wood until you have a smooth working surface, prime the wood, paint the wood, apply a second coat of paint, create text stencils on your Cricut, adhere the text with a glossy varnish, “weather” the wood with sandpaper, and drink a glass of wine to reward your hard work.24x48_wood_house-rules-2

Reality: I bought this sign on Etsy. It took me less than two minutes to select the product, enter my credit card info, and hit “submit order”. I still drank a glass of wine to celebrate a job well done.

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So, Pinterest: I love you. I hate you. You inspire me, you guilt-ify me. In the end, though, you really just entertain me. I know that I can never live up to your unrealistic expectations, and that’s fine by me. I’m just gonna keep on going the best way I know how–and it’s gonna be messy, and unorganized, and frumpy. It’s gonna be real.

iPhone Controls I’d Like To Use On My Kids

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I love my iPhone. Maybe a bit too much. It is always with me, waking or sleeping, handy and ready should I need it. Now that we are living in a different time zone from many of our family and friends, however, I have discovered that this wonderful little device can be quite a nuisance if not properly controlled. It took me a few weeks of midnight Facebook updates popping up on my screen and 2 AM phone calls ringing through before I discovered the “Do Not Disturb” icon (genius, whoever came up with that one). All I have to do is set up the hours that I don’t want to be bothered with beeps or buzzes or rings and I get to sleep through the night with my (dark and silent) phone beside my pillow. And that got me thinking. Wouldn’t it be great if I could transfer some of those iPhone controls onto my kids and my life? For instance…

IMG_3471Do Not Disturb:

I would love to have a button I could push that would keep my kids from bothering me between certain hours. It’s bed time, NO DISTURBING MOMMY. No whines, cries, or shouts allowed. No “I have to go potty” or “I want another drink” may be uttered. No baby in the process of “sleep training” (sheesh, is sleep training supposed to last 13 months???) who screeches from 4:30-5:30 every morning. No dog who barks at 3 AM when a cat runs through the back yard. Just silence. Sweet, sweet silence.

IMG_3470Privacy:

I have a 1-year old and a nearly 3-year old. I haven’t known privacy since the moment I went into labor with my first child. Sometimes I find myself dreaming about taking a shower or going to the bathroom by myself. With the door shut. And nobody crying and banging on the door trying to get in. Just me, alone, experiencing privacy. I want an icon on my life that says “Do not look. Do not touch. Leave me alone. I will contact you when I am darn well ready.”

IMG_3472Settings:

How awesome would it be to program your life to your exact specifications? I would check off boxes in my settings like no temper tantrums, no arguing, no complaining, no brother-hitting, no floor-licking, and no poop on the floor. I would set the day to include lots of fun and laughter and good food and good attitudes. Words like “I love you”, “please”, “thank you”, and “this broccoli is delicious, Mom” would be thrown around freely. I would schedule nap times–and the kids would actually sleep. I would set up my to-do list and everything would be crossed off by the end of the day.

IMG_3467Airplane Mode:

I would change this one slightly to be “transportation mode”, rather than just “airplane mode”. Transportation mode would allow me to control my kids’ behavior while we’re in transit. They would play happily in their seats, sing songs with me, and enjoy watching cloud animals out their windows. They would come up with creative ways to pass the time in the car or the shopping cart that did not involve kicking me. They would fall asleep in their car seats if it was naptime instead of becoming manic-depressive lunatics. They would not throw shoes at the windshield. They would respect the driver’s need to, you know, drive.

IMG_3474Navigation:

Sometimes, as a mother, I would just like some guidance. Someone to come alongside me and show me the way. And if I get lost (which I often do), to redirect me and get me back on the right path. Being a mom is one of the best parts of my life (despite the rants in this post)–but it is also, far and away, the most difficult (again, see the rants in this post). It would be amazing to–in a what-should-I-do parenting moment–to click a button and see the best solution. Or (and this happens, too), to see the best way to fix a problem I’ve already created.

If two kids have taught me anything, it’s that I can’t parent them (effectively) alone. I need guidance. Thankfully, I have my own parenting “navigation tool” of sorts–and it’s even closer to me than my iPhone. I have Jesus and God’s Word, ready and handy at all times.

And, if I get really desperate, there’s an app for that, too.

A Mother’s Job Description

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I have two sweet boys, ages 2 and 9 months, who are (almost) my whole world. I love them like nothing else and being a mom is the most crazy-awesome job I’ve ever had. And by crazy-awesome, I mean that it’s both crazy and awesome. Motherhood is the best “job” I’ve ever had and I wouldn’t give it up for anything. In honor of Mother’s Day this weekend I thought I would put out a little job description here for any of you who may be interested in taking on this role yourself.

Title:
Mother (also known as “Mom”, “Mama”, “Mommy”)

Term Of Contract:
Until you die.

Salary:
None. Unless you count heavenly rewards, in which case they are infinite and eternal.

Working Hours:
Depends on how much your children like to sleep. On average, you can expect your day to start at about 6:30 AM and conclude by 8:30 PM. However, you will continue to be on-call throughout the night and if you have a child under the age of 1 you can expect at least two periods of active duty between the hours of 9:00 PM and 6:00 AM. Work is required 7 days per week, 365 days per year. There is no vacation time or sick leave built in to your role, so please just don’t get sick. Ever.

Desired Qualities and Skills:
Seeking a loving, nurturing, compassionate individual.  Must be able to tolerate sounds up to 500 decibels (approximately the same loudness of a train whistle) for prolonged periods of time. Applicants should have a strong familiarity with all children’s programming on PBS and Nickelodeon (if you can sing the theme songs to “Blue’s Clues”, “Sesame Street”, “Dora The Explorer”, and “Bob The Builder” then you’re on the right track). Ability to speak and understand a foreign language (i.e. “Baby Sign” or “Toddler-ese”) is highly desired. You must be able to operate at full-capacity on 5 hours of sleep per night, and you should be able act cheery when your darlings wake you up at 4:30 AM. Applicants should be high-energy and ready to conquer the world. Applicants should possess an immense amount of patience (this will come in handy for cases of your childrens’ whining, complaining, crying for no reason, and tattle-taleing. It will also be helpful when you are cleaning up spilled milk and Cheerios for the 100th time in a day.). Backgrounds and training in the following are strongly desired: Teaching, Cooking, Laundry Services (especially stain removal), Taxi Driving, Juggling/Balancing Acts, Pastoral and Counseling Services,  Crowd Management, CPR, first aid/first-responder, EMT, Brain Surgery, Rocket Science.

Job Description and Duties To Perform:
There is a 9-month training period in which you will receive little- to no-preparation for the job you are actually beginning. Your hands-on duties will begin at about week 40 of the training regimen. Your duties will initially include feeding, bathing, changing diapers, dressing, snuggling and spying on your adorable child while he’s sleeping. As your child grows, you will be required to attend to additional responsibilities. These responsibilities include, but are not limited to: teaching, guiding, disciplining, encouraging, helping, supporting coaching, respecting, protecting, scheduling, talking with and listening to, hugging, laughing, and loving your child.

Benefits:
Butterfly kisses, a full heart, a happy disposition and a rewarding life. And love. Lots and lots of love.